I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
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