Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Are we still banned from the library?
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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