Where did you get a picture of my penis
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
