There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
