So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
