Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
