Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
