I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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