You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
