Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
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