Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
