New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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