i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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