My sheets look like a crime scene.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
