Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Too much gin, very little bucket
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
You can't just leave with hair like that
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize