I think I died a long time ago.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
