I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
i out mim tonsoeep
Randomize
