you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
