I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize