Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
