I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
