Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I cockslap morals
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
