speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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