I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
my shit smells like andre
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
