Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
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