I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
