I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
