if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
where does the pee come out of this thing
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
