I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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