I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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