Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Randomize
