Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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