does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
