he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
The feeling are messing with the penis
I FOUND THE LEGS
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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