she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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