OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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