I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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