It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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