...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
