WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
