His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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