not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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