I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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