I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
