Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
