puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Randomize
