I think I won the penis lottery.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
