I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
