you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
...so i touched it.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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