Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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