I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
