So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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