I just pynch a tree in the face
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
