I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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