I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
