ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
