He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
