I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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