im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize