i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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